June 12th 2008 --and a picture with our son, Dima, from Mother's Day, this year

A dream from the dark side…

This morning I woke up with a dream of moving through lightning and darkness where God was living. I knew there was scripture from which this truth came. I knew I had to lead a discussion group on this topic, a group for people grieving, lamenting, groping in the dark. I knew I was not prepared, or sufficiently remembered.

I knew I needed to refresh my lapsed memory from what I had learned earlier in a training group. I searched my notes and came up with these snippets from different scriptures on the topic, partly lifted from a friend of mine, Karen de Graff, in the Healing Trauma workshop:

1. Ex 20:18-21 “…and Moses entered into the deep darkness where God was….” Different image of where God is. How can this be? God is the light!

2. Ps 18: 7-12 “…he shrouded himself in darkness and veiled himself in the clouds…” it doesn’t have to be all white and bright for God to be there. Brilliant darkness, paradoxical but true.

When we realize God can inhabit the deep darkness it is possible to not feel so abandoned by Him, possible to not be sorely depressed as we grieve.

3. Mark 9. The Transfiguration. Jesus’ divinity sizzles and pops for a moment on this mountain. Even in depression, grief, or PTSD we can move thru moments of this bright assurance.

a. And then comes the let down. Coming down from the mount, darkness calls us again in the form of a father of the demon possessed son: help me believe; help my unbelief. Obscure darkness and complete faith …. How to stand in the darkness when the lights are off and no one is there? And having done all, stand….

b. In our laments and grief we often don’t understand evil. Yet when sitting with evil in the same room-- there is still a degree of faith and hope possible, both for you and the other, even when one of you is gripped by evil. I know you don’t have hope, but I do for you. Or, I don’t have faith; hold it for me.

4. John 6 . Jesus going off on this wild description of himself as bread of heaven and drinking his blood and eating his flesh and he’s a divine meal. How pagan is that? How weird! Disciples said, this is strange; how can we accept this? Jesus asked if this offended them. They said, YEAaaahhhh. Many turned away and deserted him. Jesus said to his inner circle: You too? And Peter said, where will we go, when you alone have words of eternal life? We’re stuck here. Eat flesh, drink blood? Whatever. Ok. There is nowhere else to go.

And the Holy Spirit who stands there with me in the midst of that. Standing in the night—and having done all, stand.

5. II Chron 32:31—Hezekiah was shrouded in darkness and God’s silence so that he might know all that was within his own heart…. There is a method in the seeming madness of a purposive God. Best advice? Embrace the pain with a fierceness of joy that grows thru and against the pain, knowing that you will bring the Lord himself to you.

Hope from the bright side….

I’m not sure why I had this dream now. Or why. It just is. I tried to dismiss it repeatedly today but it kept sneaking in the back roads of my thoughts. So I came and wrote this stuff. Obedience is often a puzzling thing to the person being taught. Go figure.

Friday the 13th of June 2008... our lucky day :)

Woke up this morning with a thought. Bethyl and I are in the dark about where and when and with whom we are to minister in our future. We just know that God is in the dark with us. I guess it took me a day to get it. God’s pretty sweet that way. Gives me stuff to eat before I know I’m hungry.

We leave today for Moscow and then on after a few hours to Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan. We’ll get there about 5:30 am tomorrow. All for now. But it was enough.

Moments with Bethyl Joy:

Our time with Him was tenderly tearful this morning. I’m grateful for these couple of days of alone-time-together. On Monday night, Vance and I shared a DVD (with Chris Tomlin and Louie Giglio on the incredible design of our universe) with Jim and Sue, which our mutual friends, Gary and Suzanne Stubblefield, shared with us in the north of England in April. The message has reminded me of a song. I chose to sing “How Big is God?” for the talent portion of a a Jr. Miss competition I was part of when I was 17. A long time ago now… or… was it? The words keep returning… “As winter’s chill may cause the tiny seed to fall… to lie asleep ‘till wake by summer’s rain. The heart grown cold will warm and throb with life anew. The Master’s Touch will bring the glow again.--- How big is God? How big and wide His vast domain? To try to tell… these lips can only start. He’s big enough to rule this mighty universe… and small enough to live within my heart.”

Some of the winter chill of my days has been quite cold. Some not. My footing seemed stuck. As Vance has dwelt in the darkness with his dream… his dark has peace-fully collided with my alone. And, it’s made “being where I am” more peace-able. Now how sweet is that? “… lie asleep ‘till waked by summer’s rain.” “The Master’s touch?” – “Oh, yes” she said.